"Most of the Things You Worry About Never Happen": The 2 Best Strategies I Know of for Managing Anxious Thoughts

This past Sunday afternoon, I had lunch with my best friend. There are few things in life more pleasurable and soul-fulfilling than spending an afternoon with a person that you love, with whom you share a long and beautiful history. We talked about our love lives, our heartaches, our dreams, our hopes for the future, and our families. We drank some wine and had many laughs. In fact, we had a little too much wine which necessitated a quick trip around the corner for a strong coffee :-)

My bestie and me on my bday last year

That fact that I enjoyed luxuriating over lunch with my bestie isn't remarkable; any opportunity to spend time with her is a treat. However, this was the first time that I'd ever--in over two years!--had her over for lunch at my apartment! We usually meet up at a restaurant, or I go to her place. While there's nothing wrong with that, after having such a good time hosting her, I started thinking about WHY it is that I never entertain friends at my apartment. Am I ashamed of my space, of how I keep my home? Am I afraid it's not big or nice enough? Am I afraid that because my place is "way up in the Bronx," my friends won't want to venture up here to visit me? Is it a combination of all of those? 

Truth be told, I debated long and hard about whether or not to invite my best friend over, as crazy as that sounds. I could not shake the feeling that my place isn't good enough; that I'm not good enough. I debated the merits of my apartment based on totally irrelevant factors like distance: my friend lives a short subway ride away, and I've made the trek to her place countless times! I kept turning over all the reasons why coming to my apartment would be an inconvenience for her, remaining consciously ignorant of the hypocrisy.


Sometimes, the insecure parts of our mind--the parts that cause us to feel anxiety--overpower our rational mind. It can be hard to rein those feelings in. As someone who's struggled with and been treated for anxiety, I know that while these emotions are never based in reality, that doesn't stop them from holding power over you. When a bout of anxious thoughts creep up, it often takes an abundance of effort to keep them at bay. The funny thing about anxiety is that it is totally indiscriminate about who it affects and how it affects them. Ironically, the thing that incites the most anxiety within us is often a trait or aspect of our personality that others admire. Otherwise, it's something that's completely invented and lives inside our own head.

Anxiety can make you feel like you're in a haze, that your
thoughts are cloudy. Credit: Katie Joy Crawford

Anxiety is two sides of the same coin: it's a construct, and it's tangible. It's as real and as imaginary as the borders between nations. This is what makes it so insidious. But there is an antidote, and it's two-pronged: 1) Deliberate, ceaseless questioning; and 2) Action. These two devices, techniques I practice regularly to stay in control of my own thoughts, have the power to reverse anxiety in its tracks. For example, when I was wavering about whether or not to invite my friend over for lunch, I examined my thoughts up against a series of questions:

• What is the worst thing that my friend, my best friend, could say about my apartment? And would I be able to handle whatever that thing is?
• What would it feel like to be judged for how my apartment looks by my best friend, or anyone else? Would I be able to manage the emotions that feeling judged would bring up for me?
• What does someone else's opinion about how my space looks say about me? What does it mean about how I think about myself?
• What, if anything, could I do to make myself more comfortable in my space? What is stopping me from doing that thing?

Truth.

As you can well imagine, when placed up against this solid line of questioning, my anxiety faltered. When further analyzed, its power over me diminished, and I began to feel less like a victim and more like an actor with choices. I can choose to be concerned about how others judge my space and me; I can also choose not to focus on what others' opinions are, and rather on what is in my control to change. I consciously put myself back in the driver's seat, which was liberating and scary at the same time. It forced me to reckon with the fact that I am not healed and I have some "inside" work to do. I realize that the issue is not as simple as fearing judgment about my personal space; rather, it's a fear of judgment of me.

While I may have the tools to make myself aware of the sources of my anxiety as well as its triggers, I cannot eliminate it entirely at the drop of a hat. In fact, I may never ben entirely anxiety-free, but I can get better and better at identifying my triggers and developing healthy ways to manage my feelings. Writing this blog has helped immensely, as has strength training and uncovering what in life I am most passionate about: helping others live better, healthier lives through strength training (how physical strength begets mental fortitude) nutrition (learning to eat to perform and support the activities you love), and mindset (how your perspective can either aid or hinder you in creating the best life by your design).

I hope my words help you, even in some small way, to align your actions with your intentions. I appreciate you!