A Hard Pill for Any Trainer to Swallow: Our Clients' Goals are Not Our Goals, and That's OK!

On Wednesdays, I teach a group fitness class at a local gym. As I was winding down this week's class a beautiful young woman with an eastern European accent poked her head in the door of the studio and asked if she could join us for the remainder of class. I said that we were just about to cool down and stretch, but welcomed her regardless.

After class, the regulars dispersed. This young woman stuck around to ask me some questions. We made small talk, and she asked me what my class is like. I explained that it's a strength training class that incorporates mostly bodyweight strength exercises performed in circuits to elevate the heart rate, build lean muscle and burn fat. I explained that combining cardio and resistance training is an effective method to get in great shape.

She explained to me that she 'd only recently joined the gym and is trying to figure out what exercises to do and what classes to take. She said that she doesn't want to get big muscles, and then pantomimed the term "toned" because she was unsure of how to say it in English. She proceeded to walk up to the mirror and grasp at her thighs in apparent disgust, then turned, lifted her shirt, peered over her shoulder and said something disparaging about her backside.

My jaw hit the metaphorical floor.

My encounter with this woman made me realize how deeply
women are affected by the media and arbitrary definitions of beauty

I was in utter disbelief that a young woman who I would describe as stunning and exotic could shame her body to such a degree. Truly, if she's told me she was a model I would have believed her. What was particularly striking to me was how effortlessly her shaming remarks about her own body poured out of her in a language that isn't her native tongue, no less! She spoke about her perceived flaws to me as if this were the most normal thing in the world for two women to discuss with one another. In fact, her words were so familiar to me that I nearly fell in step right along with her. Before I could throw my own self under the bus, however, she threw another zinger my way: this lovely, tall with a beautiful body asked me what exercises she can do to make her butt look more like mine! Say whaaaaa?!?!?

I really felt like I was in an alternate universe at this point. This young woman who towers over me by at least 4 inches and is several years my junior is complimenting my butt?! It was almost too unbelievable. But--and I was really proud of myself for this!--instead of shying away from the compliment, I thanked her and thought to myself "Those deadlifts, hip thrusts, and single leg work are all paying off!"

That singular moment, the instant within which I could have chosen self-doubt over self-actualization, and chose to perceive a positive reality for myself...well, that was a manifestation of growth for me. Something inside me screamed out for its due and instead of stifling it, I listened. My response originated from a place of self-love which in turn reacquainted me with my purpose in that single moment. I realized that I had a very important job to do; that is, I felt not only the burning desire, but the necessity to show this young woman what I know about building a body that's strong and capable, not just "toned" or worthy of whatever unrealistic expectation she holds onto of how she should look.

I began to rattle off a list of exercises she should do to get the butt she desires. I went off about how lifting heavy weights won't make you bulky. I revealed that the butt she coveted was sculpted using heavy weight, rounds of conditioning workouts, and barely any traditional cardio. I was so enamored of my rapt audience that, in retrospect, I kind of blew an opportunity to make a real connection with this young woman. I was so eager to dispel the myth that heavy lifting makes women bulky that I laid it on way too thick. "Well," I started, with a tone of cockiness, "In order to get really bulky, you'd have to eat *this* much, lift weights that are *this* heavy, train *this* many times a week and take *this* amount of supplements to even come close to looking like a female bodybuilder. It just doesn't happen."

This is where I think I went wrong. Is this kind of know-it-all response to a young woman's honest and legitimate query effective? I do nothing if not widen the breadth between us and disallow an opportunity for connection when I react this way to a woman who is genuinely fearful of building too much muscle and looking a way that she doesn't want to. Who am I to disregard her feelings by getting on my soap box and talking down to her, especially since her concerns are completely justified considering the media environment she is forced to navigate as a woman? This woman--any woman--has the right to look that way that she wants to look and as a trainer and fitness professional, it's my job to get my clients results in as safe a way as possible. This encounter made me realize that my clients' goals are not always going to align with mine, and may in fact by diametrically opposed. However, when I respond to a concern such as this young woman's, I can't come from a place of criticism: I can't inadvertently push concepts, exercises, and dogma on them that they are not ready for or comfortable with because it alienates them. It's the sign of a good trainer to recognize this and know how to navigate the situation.

Once I recovered my bearings, I was able to navigate these murky waters by giving sound advice that addressed this young woman's concerns. I explained the deadlift exercise; why it's great for strengthening the glutes; suggested several modifications; and demonstrated a few. I also showed her how to perform glute-hip bridges without extending the lumbar spine, and explained that as she gets more comfortable with the movement, she can start adding weight on her hip for an additional challenge.

She was thrilled, and gave me an enthusiastic high five! It felt great to to give her some tangible exercises that she can do to help her achieve her goal. And I realized: isn't that what I should be celebrating? Now, this young woman has a goal and some effective and safe exercises with which to achieve it?! And above all, she's excited about it. Who knows, maybe this encounter will inspire her to read more and expand her fitness knowledge. I should applaud her for being so open with a complete stranger about her personal physical hangups, and so willing to ask--with complete sincerity and openness--about how to improve them. I love that she entrusted me with even this small part of her journey to body acceptance, and I wish her the very, very best!!!