How I Ditched "The Supposed To" Mental Trap & Discovered My Passion For Fitness

My friend (and yours), Mr. Albert Einstein was definitely on to something:

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We've all heard or read the famous quote, and most of us have probably recited it at one point or another. It's easy to categorize it as preachy or trite: after all, WHO is dumb enough to ACTUALLY do the same thing over and over and expect a different result?!?!....[cautiously raises hand]

Yeah, me. I am that dumb.

So I would not classify myself (or anyone else who's done this) as dumb, but there was definitely a point in time before I was capable of true self-reflection that I participated in this circle of misery. What I did--and what I think a lot of folks do--was not only do the same thing over and over and expect a different result, but do the same thing over and over--even though it made me bitter, resentful, sad, and lonely--because I thought it was what I was "supposed" to do.

The traditional prescription for weight loss is a perfect example of people doing the same thing over and over expecting better results despite evidence to the contrary. The story we tell ourselves is that in order to lose weight, we must eat less and exercise more, right? OK, then in the spirit of self-reflection, I ask you: HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU?!?! Maybe it works in the short-term, but as a long-term strategy? Nope, sorry; it's not going to cut it. I speak from experience, and there is plenty of research out there to back up the assertion that this model is out-dated.

As individuals, we are as different on the inside (metabolically, chemically, etc.) as we are on the outside, and yet we're all expected to do the same thing: eat less and exercise more. No wonder we get frustrated and give up after a couple of weeks or months! No wonder we often gain the weight back (and then some)! And yet we're somehow incapable of accepting that eating less and exercising more might not be the solution for long-term health....


As a personal trainer and coach, it is so frustrating that people continue to buy into this approach, but I also understand it on a very deep level because I've been there. As a former obsessive dieter/calorie counter/compulsive exerciser, I swore by the traditional "eat less, exercise more" model. It was the only protocol that made sense to me, and yet it was not sustainable. I had no clue that my approach was damaging my metabolism, and therefore making me lethargic, moody, hangry, and incapable of burning stubborn fat! For me, my inability to lose fat and improve my body composition was a reflection on me: it meant that I lacked willpower and was therefore worthless and bad. My failure at losing weight became a reflection of my value as a person. Terrible, right? And yet this happens to people all the time...It took me a very long time to get to a point where I could examine my behaviors objectively and feel confident enough to try a different approach.

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How did I get there? I struggled...and struggled...and struggled some more until I just couldn't do it anymore. Before I got there though, I was like a hamster on a wheel--constantly moving but not getting anywhere. I'm sure this is familiar to many of you, and in some ways, it's not our fault that we perpetuate these patterns. The human brain is hard-wired to seek comfort, routine, and predictability, and avoid discomfort (physical, mental and emotional) and struggle. This is why overcoming habits is so difficult, and why we routinely find ourselves repeating behaviors that do not serve us: the alternative to what we always do is too novel and therefore too scary.

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The irony is that as humans living in the modern world, no one can truly avoid discomfort, struggle, and unpleasantness. We are very good at avoiding discomfort, but at what cost? I would argue that seeking to avoid discomfort at all costs begets further discomfort, dissatisfaction, and unfulfillment because it means that we stay where we are. Doing the same thing over and over because "we're supposed to" leads to misery, whether you're doing it in the name of fitness, nutrition, your career, your family, etc.

I speak from experience. When I was about 24, I decided to apply to graduate school. I was entirely obsessed with this notion that graduate school was what I was "supposed" to do, and subsequently ignored all of the warning signs that maybe I was 1) not ready for this big step, mentally or financially; and 2) not at all interested in my course of study. I enrolled in a program at a private (read: uber-expensive) university. I masked my uncertainty with enthusiasm, and convinced myself that any reservations I had were just nerves.

I hated graduate school. I hated the program and I hated the school. I was convinced that I was the dumbest student in all my classes and I came to dread my studies. I couldn't connect with my fellow students in any meaningful way, and my professors were equally aloof and unavailable. Mind you, all these observations were made in hind sight: I didn't allow myself to really "feel" these feelings when I was a student. After all, this was what I was "supposed" to be doing: if I failed or struggled, it meant that I was weak and dumb and I could not face that. This became the story that I told to "motivate" myself to persevere.

So I kept at it. My attachment to what was "supposed to be" was so strong that I tolerated the suffering. I justified it as par for the course, and let my fear of it being revealed that I was weak and dumb kept me in a constant state of agitation. At the time, I just could not fathom that someone with my pedigree would ever be good enough without an advanced degree. Despite not having a clear or even vague idea of what I wanted to do with my life, the notion that I was unworthy without an advanced degree hung over me like a cloud. In my narrow world view at the time, "undereducated"="unlovable" and "unworthy." This idea became my theme, and I played it out to justify my unhappiness as a graduate student. It was like a varnish applied over layers and layers of old paint that was never treated, never buffed and prepped. The varnish was a cheery disposition, an utter refusal to accept what was really below the surface because if I did, I would truly and surely crack and come apart.

It goes without saying that living under this kind of intense inner turmoil, stress, and denial was not sustainable. Eventually, little cracks started to form in my armor. My body gave out first. As a graduate student, I paid very little attention to nutrition and proper exercise. As a result, I felt sluggish, irritable, and bloated most of the time. I was also heavier than I'd ever been in my life. My doctor diagnosed me with hypertension and prescribed medication. I tried to lose weight, but my efforts were futile. Everything came to a head when I started experiencing debilitating stomach pain. Two emergency room visits and several tests later, I was finally diagnosed with a stress-induced ulcer.

It would be cliche to say that this was the straw that broke the camel's back, but this was an undeniable turning point for me. If I valued my physical and mental health at all, I could not continue to bury my head in the sand and ignore the source of my stress that was right in front of me. It was incredibly difficult at first, but slowly I started opening up to the people closest to me about how miserable I was. When I finally surrendered, the relief was palpable. The world did not end: no one called me dumb or weak or considered me a failure for dropping out of school. More importantly, by letting go of what and how things were "supposed to" be for my life, I was able to recognize that my true passion was right in front of me the entire time. I could no longer deny that moving my body and exploring what it could do brought me joy. The more I came to accept this fact, the less it mattered that I didn't have a plan for my life. What emerged was a feeling of peace that, as long as I continued to live in a way that was aligned with my intention, could be sustained.

Even today, I am not entirely sure what my purpose is or how I am going to fulfill it. But I do now have a direction and I try very hard to ensure that the decisions that I make on a daily basis support that direction and allow me to continue living in alignment with my intention which is to live a healthy life that allows me to explore new and inspiring ways to move my body and help others do the same. It took a while to get here, but I'm so happy I have arrived!!!