Why what we tell ourselves about ourselves matters

Happy (almost) 2016!

This has been one heck of a year. I'm so proud of everything that I've accomplished this year, and I'm looking forward to what 2016 has in store with a healthy mix of excitement, optimism, and fear. 

Yes, fear.

Not the kind of debilitating fear that renders one inert; rather, a fear that motivates and encourages by its being faced down and overcome. In other words, I fear that I'll try and fail, but the greater fear is that I won't try at all and never fulfill the potential that I know I possess. Frankly, I think this is a pretty positive place to be!

Despite that fact, it is not natural for me to exist in a state of blinder-less conviction. In fact, my self-esteem rises and falls by my ability to control my fear and direct it towards action. The less motivated I feel, the more I question myself and my "credentials," and the harder is becomes to damper my fears. The more afraid I feel, the more I feel like a failure, and the less motivated I am to do anything productive. It's a self-defeating cycle that can be hard to break out of.

Before I came to the realization that a career in health and wellness was inevitable, fear controlled me and permeated all aspects of my world. I lived my life in a state of perpetual self-criticism; it enshrouded me like the storm cloud follows Grumpy Bear wherever he goes:

Lacking the insight that I now possess, I searched aimlessly for a method, mantra, or phrase that I could repeat to myself to set me up with a positive outlook for the day. I'd read that repeating positive mantras to oneself could be transformative in terms of how you think, feel, and relate to yourself. I figured it couldn't hurt to come up with something I could easily repeat to myself every morning in the mirror to start my day off on the right foot, and I'd be much better of if I internalized these positive affirmations. 

And it did work...for awhile anyway. Perhaps it was just a placebo effect: I felt that I would work, so I subliminally created a more positive outlook. The problem was that there was no thrust behind the words; that is, there was no narrative attached the words so they were only words. In essence, I was like Al Franken's character, Stuart Smalley on SNL, except that I was an outsider looking in who could see straight past that veneer of positivity. I couldn't help but detect the bullshit that I couldn't necessarily hear but certainly felt.

Because I felt no attachment to them, I eventually stopped saying them and I went back to my same old habits that dimmed my light and left me in a very fearful and lonely place.

Upon reflection, it's clear to me that it wasn't enough to simply repeat a phrase designed to improve my self-esteem: there had to be a motivating narrative behind those words. I had to establish a point of reference on which I could reflect when I said those words that would reinforce their power and amplify their effect. It all comes back to the "story," i.e. what are your very deepest and most sincere motivations for wanting to change your life? What story will you reach for when your willpower is waning and need something to help pull you through? Why do you want to have better self-esteem? What does life look like for Hilary with high self-esteem? What is she capable of, and how is she using her gifts? 

This strategy for redirecting the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves is explored from a scientific perspective in the book, Redirect: The Surprising New Science of Psychological Change by Timothy Wilson. Wilson ascribes a method called "story-editing" with the power of transforming how people think of themselves by transforming the stories they tell and believe about themselves. Because the stories we tell ourselves are so often distorted and destructive, it takes more than the simple repetition of a phrase to change that narrative. In other words, thoughts are one thing, but strategies by which those thoughts will come to fruition is quite another, and is something which requires reflection and effort. Wilson advocates for taking time to think about and write out a new narrative describing in detail not only the outcome, but the process of achievement itself which forms the new narrative. Wilson argues that this method of "editing" our stories results in lasting behavioral change. 

This book served to reaffirm what I'd already discovered was true about my self-destructive tendencies. It was not enough to adopt some positive mantra at random and expect that its repetition would help me realize my biggest hopes and dreams, just like it's not enough to want to have a six-pack or wear a bikini on vacation to motivate someone to eat healthfully and exercise. Not only did I need a motivating narrative to keep me inspired to create, but a complete overhaul of the self-defeating narratives I had been telling and retelling myself for years. 

So today, with 2016 right around the corner, I can proudly say that I've come a long way. I can also say that I'm grateful for my struggles and the times that I spent believing the distorted narratives that I nearly choked myself on. If it hadn't been for these struggles, I never would have seen first-hand the power of self-actualization and how a self-uplifting cycle can become as automatic as a self-defeating one!