Why what we tell ourselves about ourselves matters

Happy (almost) 2016!

This has been one heck of a year. I'm so proud of everything that I've accomplished this year, and I'm looking forward to what 2016 has in store with a healthy mix of excitement, optimism, and fear. 

Yes, fear.

Not the kind of debilitating fear that renders one inert; rather, a fear that motivates and encourages by its being faced down and overcome. In other words, I fear that I'll try and fail, but the greater fear is that I won't try at all and never fulfill the potential that I know I possess. Frankly, I think this is a pretty positive place to be!

Despite that fact, it is not natural for me to exist in a state of blinder-less conviction. In fact, my self-esteem rises and falls by my ability to control my fear and direct it towards action. The less motivated I feel, the more I question myself and my "credentials," and the harder is becomes to damper my fears. The more afraid I feel, the more I feel like a failure, and the less motivated I am to do anything productive. It's a self-defeating cycle that can be hard to break out of.

Before I came to the realization that a career in health and wellness was inevitable, fear controlled me and permeated all aspects of my world. I lived my life in a state of perpetual self-criticism; it enshrouded me like the storm cloud follows Grumpy Bear wherever he goes:

Lacking the insight that I now possess, I searched aimlessly for a method, mantra, or phrase that I could repeat to myself to set me up with a positive outlook for the day. I'd read that repeating positive mantras to oneself could be transformative in terms of how you think, feel, and relate to yourself. I figured it couldn't hurt to come up with something I could easily repeat to myself every morning in the mirror to start my day off on the right foot, and I'd be much better of if I internalized these positive affirmations. 

And it did work...for awhile anyway. Perhaps it was just a placebo effect: I felt that I would work, so I subliminally created a more positive outlook. The problem was that there was no thrust behind the words; that is, there was no narrative attached the words so they were only words. In essence, I was like Al Franken's character, Stuart Smalley on SNL, except that I was an outsider looking in who could see straight past that veneer of positivity. I couldn't help but detect the bullshit that I couldn't necessarily hear but certainly felt.

Because I felt no attachment to them, I eventually stopped saying them and I went back to my same old habits that dimmed my light and left me in a very fearful and lonely place.

"One of these things is not like the other...!" [How an evolving mindfulness practice helped make this the most fulfilling holiday to date]

In years past, I would wake up the day after Christmas a remorseful, bloated, unhappy mess. Instead of reflecting joyfully on the time spent with family around the table and tree, I'd immediately begin plotting how many hours of cardio I would have to do in penance for my dietary "sins."

Needless to say, any relief I could elicit from guilt-exercise was brief to say the least, and left me feeling bereft: Both overindulgence and its resultant guilt left me no emotional bandwidth with which to form pleasant memories of the holiday. Instead of feeling abundance in heart, soul, and mind, I felt emptiness. I blamed myself for my lack of self-control, thus perpetuating the idea that overeating "bad" food meant I was an inherently "bad" person. 

Thanks to lots of conscientious practice, grace and patience, this year was different. I was fully immersed in the celebration of the day; I indulged mindfully and joyfully; and in moments of weakness, I reached out to another human being for emotional sustenance as opposed to turning to food. This represents a huge turnaround for me, and I just want to shout to the rooftops that #moderation365 works!

#moderation365 is a mindset around food that takes time to cultivate and practice. It requires that you discard tendencies to define foods in moralistic terms and just see it for what it is: food. Something benign, but which can and should be both nourishing and pleasurable. When you eat this way, nothing is ever off-limits, which has a crazy way of making formerly "forbidden" foods seem much less tempting. When foods are less tempting, we're much less likely to overindulge in them. The radical notion that we can sample any food that we want at any time makes it easier to eat in a way that supports our physique goals without having to expend as much physical and mental effort. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it's not...

Take this photo for example: 

Behold, an accurate depiction of what I've eaten in the past 48 hours. I've sampled my favorite Christmas cookies; pumpkin pie; fancy cheese; stuffing; and turkey skin. I've also helped myself to plenty of protein; brussel sprouts; and #BAS (big-a$$ salads). For me, this is what #moderation365 looks like. Sure, I'm not eating Christmas cookies and stuffing everyday, but on any given day, I work something similar into my diet...something that I would have previously scorned and avoided (only to overeat on more and worse things later on). 

One of my intentions for 2016 is to keep practicing #moderation365, with the hope that it becomes more and more effortless. My wish for you is the same: that whatever health-or-fitness-related intention you have, you practice it with a full heart and plenty of compassion. I hope that you seek out support from others, and remember that I am here and more than happy to cheer you on. #letsdo2016right :-)

just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not there!--object permanence as metaphor for establishing a healthy mindset

Until about four months of age, babies' cognitive development is lacking such that they can't recognize that just because they do not see an object doesn't mean it no longer exists. In other words, when you show an infant a stuffed animal and then place it out of view, that object all of fails to exist in the baby's mind: it's as if it never was. As the child's cognitive abilities develop further, she begins to display what psychologists call object permanence, or the child's capacity to understand that the object still exists even though she cannot see it. This is the stage at which the child would look around in search of the missing object because she recognizes that it's been obscured, not destroyed. 

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How discovering my physical strength helped me uncover my many emotional truths

There's one thing that I admire about Donald Trump: He doesn't care what other people think because he says what's on his mind. 

*crickets*

No, really, hear me out: that's his shtick and for better or worse, it's his calling card. Sure, he's brazen, disrespectful, racist, classist, misogynistic, etc. I would never, ever, ever in a million years vote for him or support him in any way. And to a certain extent, I even wonder how much of what he says he actually believes. I'm sure that there's a kernel of conviction in what he says, but the point I'm trying to make is that he's bold and unapologetic about his comments, however deranged he may come across when sharing them. 

This lack of censorship and willingness to just say whatever is a characteristic shared by many powerful men. Our culture rewards men who speak their minds, and so many men are simply conditioned to speak out because they've never been encouraged not to. Women, on the other hand, are discouraged from speaking out loud, being opinionated, and not caring about what others think of them. Society demands that women in positions of power behave more reservedly, and they're encouraged to invoke diplomacy to resolve disputes instead of boldly taking action and delegating like a man in the same position would be expected to do. 

This is very distressing, and it's very ingrained. These gender normatives run deep into the very fabric of our culture, informing most if not all interactions that occur whenever and wherever women and men encounter one another. Unfortunately, it's not a big leap at all between the way society expects men and women to express themselves and women struggling with poor body image, yo-yo dieting, and the culture of women-against-women. 

Think about it like this: Before young girls hit puberty, they are on an equal playing field with their male counterparts. They experience little shame in the classroom or on the playground, and are just as likely to raise their hand to answer a question in class as their male classmates. Around the time puberty hits however, this changes as girls start picking up on subtle social cues that their stock as women goes up in direct proportion to how pretty they are. They begin to notice, by observing the interactions of the men and women in their lives, social media, their peer groups and the like that women with opinions who speak up and out are scorned and even ostracized. In some cases, women and girls that speak up are labeled as "know-it-alls" "bitches" "snobs" or the most damning epithet of all: "feminist." As a result, society inculcates in young women a deep-seated fear of being labeled as such. This has the added side effect of stifling young women's voices at a time when they're most impressionable, and therefore most likely to absorb these expectations. 

The Important Lessons I've Learned as a Reformed Fitness Infomercial Junkie

Recently while training a client in her living room, I caught the majority of an infomercial for a popular workout method. I won't name-names, but suffice it to say that the fitness personality behind the product is well-known in the industry and has her name behind many other workout programs and products.

While watching this infomercial, I had a couple of thoughts: 1) The people who produce these infomercials have the delivery down to a science; and 2) Wow, I totally used to fall for this, hook, line, and sinker! It's true, I'll admit it: at one point in my life, I was a fitness-infomercial product junkie. I fell for all the hype, believed all the wild claims, and bought into the amazing transformation stories. I remember the emotional highs I would experience when I watched these infomercials and saw what I thought were the faces of people who were fundamentally transformed by their experience with this or that program: to be blunt, I was gullible and every marketer's dream. 

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Not long ago, I was in Maine visiting my parents and going through old boxes of my stuff. I came across my collection of informercial purchases, including:

1) Billy Blanks' Tae Bo-->

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2) Mari Windsor's Pilates-->

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3) Greer Childers' Body Flex-->

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I remember distinctly being totally loca for these programs: I'd watch the infomercial over and over again. I don't know how I convinced my parents to allow me to order all these videos, but in their defense, I'm sure it pleased them that I was more interested in working out in our basement than engaging in other, less savory activities! 

In retrospect, the anticipation of waiting for the videos to arrive and unwrapping them was more exciting than actually working out to them, ha! This was especially true of the Body Flex videos which promised a leaner, healthier physique by performing various breathing techniques. I'll never forget one called Lion's Breath: the sound that she instructed us to make was a cross between a wheezing bulldog and a cat in the midst of coughing up a hair ball. This was supposed to make me lose weight!!! I can't help but laugh now! 

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I remember being really jazzed about the workouts for several weeks or months, and then my interest would eventually wane. After all, who could stay motivated by a video that promised great results by making sounds like a dying animal?!? Now, it's much easier to say that it's no wonder my efforts failed since they were built on the unrealistic premise that my results would we swift and informativeness. However, back in the day, I was quick to blame my lack of results on myself: my lack of discipline meant that I was an intrinsic failure. As a result, I continued to look at and be seduced by infomercials, perpetually in search of the one that would "work" for me. This was a self-fulfilling cycle which only served to keep me dependent on the external as the means of achieving my goals, and if you been reading the blog for awhile, you know how that turns out. 

My Encounter With a Card-Carrying, Men's Rights Misogynist...in a CrossFit Gym ;-)

As a white woman, I rarely face discrimination. I frequently encounter sexism, however, but a combination of the two? It's rare, if not non-existent...before yesterday morning, I can't recall a single occasion.

While in the gym prepping to coach my bootcamp, an older, white gentleman came in the door. He asked for the yoga instructor and I reminded him that she teaches on Sunday mornings, not Saturdays. He continued to engage me in conversation about fitness and recent workout he witnessed where the class was running around the block with med balls...don't ask :-)

Anyway, this man proceeded to reach over and touch my bicep, as if to measure it with his two fingers. He looked impressed, and I was expecting him to congratulate me or say something positive. Instead, I got an earful about how he does not agree with women looking like I do. But that wasn't all: he pontificated that God created men to have broad shoulders and narrow waists, and women to have narrow shoulder and broad hips. When that symmetry is reversed, it's against His will. He explained that all "this intense exercise" that women are now doing is the cause of a plethora of societal ills and attributes it to the rising incidence of Caesarean births, among various other preventable health problems. He drew a rather broad stroke, essentially drawing a link between women who dare to buck the tide and...the problems in Ferguson?! Yes, ladies and gentleman, this gentleman argued that what's going on with communities of color is a result of women not following some pre-ordained, submissive path! Don't even get me started on what he claims about single mothers and how they're single-handedly ruining society! I could tell that believed every word that he said, without a stroke of irony, and spoke as though it was the most natural thing in the world for him to give his opinion despite how offensive his comments were. It never seemed to occur to him how inappropriate his comments were, and how they were certain to fall on deaf ears, given the fact that we were conversing in a CrossFit gym! 

Anyhoo, I held my tongue. I was fuming, but I kept it cool and told him that we would have to agree to disagree. He agreed, but continued to share his unsolicited opinion. The whole time this was happening, I couldn't help but feel like I was suspended above, watching this interaction take place because it was so surreal. This man actually believes that the way I look is an abomination. Before that moment, it never occurred to me that I am making a political statement with my body, or that I am a walking billboard for something that certain people wouldn't think twice about protesting. 

This realization was a game-changer.

Prior to this encounter, my choice to look like I lift heavy weights was a personal one. Now I realize that it's actually bigger than me. I now recognize that I've been bestowed a certain responsibility to go forth and, in the best and most authentic way that I can, live the truth that I've discovered: strength training for women is a vehicle to uncovering your unique power. The world will be a much kinder, more beautiful, and less judgmental place once women embrace their inner and outer strength. Ahhh, I've got goosebumps!!!!

Please, please, PLEASE, leave a comment below and tell me how strength training has enhanced your life. I want to hear all about it so that together we can shift the conversation in a direction that encourages all women--and the men who love them--to uncover the power that strength training makes manifest. 

Visualize and it will Materialize: Tips for How to Find and Harness Internal Motivation for Lasting Results

WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO GO THROUGH HARD TIMES TO GLEAN THE LESSONS THEY MUST IMPART!???!! Don't you ever wish you could just go back in time and shake your younger self and tell her all the things that you now know that would have made her experience so much better?! Yeah, me too :-) But, 'tis not the way of the world, and unfortunately, we gotta trudge through that s**t. At least we can lament (and learn!) from it all together!

Such a wonderful adage :-) [Source]

It's taken me the longest time--and the toughest lessons--to understand that you can't sustain physique results achieved through a lens of self-hatred. True, lasting changes are the culmination of self-compassion and thoughtful, deliberate, and patient action. Achievement of a particular physique, weight, or dress size cannot be tied to something external. When your success depends on your ability to follow a particular plan and achieve a specific result, what happens when that doesn't happen? What happens when life rudely interjects and you're forced to improvise? I know all too well that if you don't have the tools to weather the inevitable shit storm, it's all too easy to blame your lack of willpower, curse your bad luck, make yourself feel guilty, and eventually quit. I'm sure you can imagine the wonders this does to your self esteem! 

Like I said, I can relate to this. When I was a junior in college, I went abroad to Chile for a semester. While there, I met and fell in love with a Chilean guy who enriched my experience as an foreign student in so many ways. We had a lot of beautiful times together, and I left to go back to the states after my five months abroad with a very heavy heart. Before I left, we discussed doing "the long distance" thing. It worked for several months and I returned to Chile the following December to celebrate the new year. Something had very clearly shifted in our relationship, but I was still so head-over-heels that I would not--could not--admit it to myself. In April, my Chilean boyfriend broke my heart and announced that he'd fallen for another foreign student--this time, a blonde from Holland. 

"Rico Suave" and me

It's all so cliche, looking back. But at the time, I was so devastated. I had no appetite, which for me was a welcome side effect of heartache. I reveled in the way my clothes fit, and used my circumstance to fuel my unhealthy "diet." I would purposely look up pictures of my ex and his new girlfriend, fixating on her physical features, picking her apart to make myself feel better about being the one that had been spurned. I compared our physiques endlessly, which provided additional motivation not to eat. I was on the heartbreak diet and it looked good on me (or so I thought).

After awhile, life resurrected me from my funk and I started thinking about my ex less and less. As I did so, the weight crept right back on. Of course it did! The motivation to lose weight was not coming from a renewable source: it was entirely finite. With every pound I gained back, I felt more and more disgusted with myself. Why is it so hard for me to stay motivated? Why do I have so little willpower? Why is this so hard for me and so easy for other people? Why am I such a failure? And on, and on, and on.

I think that this is why we often fail to sustain our weight loss. As my experience illustrates, we pin our hopes, expectations, and motivations on something that is fleeting or non-existent. We fixate on a desired aesthetic but do not examine why we desire it or what it will help us achieve. Basically, we don't really think about what's in it for us--the person deep down inside whose voice has probably been muffled for a long time. It's this person that we have to listen to because what they want is what will provide the motivation to keep going. 

Are abs really what you're seeking?
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In order to make any sustainable and lasting lifestyle changes, you have to turn your gaze inward and accept that it's not only about diet and exercise: it's about how you feel about how you eat and how you exercise. It's about the intersection of what you know that you should do and what you actually do because of how you perceive the process. It's about introspection.

While all this may seem totally "New-agey" and esoteric, you can start by listening to your inner voice and asking yourself these questions: What do you really want to try that you've avoided because you feel like you're not ready? What would you do as a person with a healthier body and outlook on life? Identify whatever that is and give it space to grow and expand and take up space in your mind's eye. Give it shape and form, make it visual. 

"Vision boards" are an extremely useful tool to put an image to an idea or goal. Vision boards are exploratory vehicles to lead you to identify what it is that you value, admire, and desire in life. They are a creative pursuit which allows for a certain level of suspension of reality--in other words, when you're in a creative space, you're less likely to judge yourself too harshly and simply follow your instincts--the very guide you must listen to in order to uncover the intrinsic motivation that will sustain your results. 

Another tool to help activate those "motivation sensors" and develop resiliency is, though slightly little less tangible than a vision board, is pure visualization. Challenge yourself to live within the expectation of success, saturate yourself in that feeling. What does it feel like? Does that feeling motivate or discourage you? Visualize that you're already enjoying the fruits of your labor and chances are you'll be amazed at how quickly your vision and reality coalesce. Sure, it's not enough to just envision and act as though you're already successful: you have to work at it. However, when you shift your perspective from a place of "I'm not ready/smart/experienced/stting-willed enough to succeed" to one that says "I've totally got this," then you've cleared a huge hurdle. 

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The final piece of this puzzle involves broadcasting: tell others what you're doing, why, and how you would appreciate their support and encouragement. This not only makes you accountable to yourself to facilitate your success, but it inspires others. Encouragement is like sunshine: it warms our hearts and brings light into our lives and the lives of those around us who also feel it. It's also infectious, so seek it out, give it freely to others, accept it, and see it expand. 

The Unconventional Inspiration that Changed My Mind About Women and Weightlifting & Boosted My Self-Confidence x100000

Several years ago when I decided that it was time to get myself "in shape," I, like many other women, assumed that more cardio would help me achieve my goals. I eschewed lifting weights because I didn't want to "get bulky." I thought, incorrectly, that lifting weights would made me gain weight and develop an unsightly jawline or some other equally-masculine and unfavorable attribute. 

How I used to think weight training would make me look...[Source]

Ha, I have to LOL just thinking about it. 

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It also never occurred to me that what I ate could make or break my success to such a dramatic extent. I assumed that as long as I "burned off all the calories" I ate, I wouldn't have to give anything up. So I didn't. But I also didn't account for the way my excessive cardio habit would make me crave carbs constantly; experience intense and persistent cravings; and experience such extremely low-lows and high-highs in my energy. I never could have predicted all the nagging injuries that would plague me when I was running 15-20 miles per week (go figure), or how much the cycle would affect my self-esteem and body confidence. Plain and simply, I had very limited amounts of both and normal, everyday interactions with others would often send me into a tailspin of self-doubt. 

After I run, I wanted ALL THE FOODS! [Source]

It was so hard for me to see it then, but what I was doing wasn't working--for my health, my psyche, or my waistline! If you can relate to this at all, here's my advice to you: if what you're doing isn't working, it's time to reassess. For me, this mean reevaluating my workouts first: endurance running just wasn't getting me the results I was after, so I started strength training more earnestly. Of course, everyone is different, so if you're happy with your exercise regimen and it happens to involve a lot of running, more power to you and keep rockin' the  miles. If you like how you look as an endurance athlete and your physique leaves nothing to be desired, GO YOU! That's amazing! If you manage your cravings and your energy levels aren't all over the place, and nothing about how you feel physically seems off, you are doing something right and I commend you.

#truthbomb [Source]

However, if this does not describe you, take it from me: there is another--heck, there are many other!-- way to do fitness. If you're scared to try something new because of what you've heard, or what you've read, or what worked for your friend or your cousin or your neighbor, think about how much scarier it would be to be in the exact same place years from now than it would to just try some other way. Seriously, no one's holding a gun to your head--if you hate it, you can always go back to the old way; it will be there for you. I'm giving you the advice that I wish someone had given me or I'd encountered when I was really struggling because I was sososo reluctant to try anything different. I was scared because my self-esteem was so low that I actually didn't think that I deserved to feel better about myself, either physically or emotionally. I thought it was cross to bear, when in reality I deserve to be as happy, confident, and at peace with myself as anyone else does...

AND SO DO YOU. 

Novelty is Seductive, but it can be Detrimental: Tips to Get Your Health Priorities Straight and Avoid the "Shiny Objects"

Last week, I was having a conversation over lunch with a co-worker. He's over 50, and was lamenting how a lot of his friends his age aren't able to join him in the active pursuits he enjoys because they're in poor health. My coworker is in great shape, works out often and eats a healthy diet. He said that his friends frequently complain about their health issues, and as much as they talk about their desire to "do something about it," their efforts never seem to stick. He said that they often get seduced by the marketing for one health product or another and convince themselves that this will be the thing that finally inspires them to get in shape. Then in a few months after the novelty wears off, they're back where they started. 

Fitbits definitely LOOK cool, but ask yourself, for yourself:
Are they a tool or a distraction

He explained that most recently, the novelty was the FitBit. Several of them were immediately attracted to its sleekness, utility and ease-of-use. They were so die-hard that they actually convinced him that he "had" to get one because he works out a lot and would love all the features. Their enthusiasm rubbed off on him and he said he was on the FitBit wagon...

...And then it dawned on him a few days later: he doesn't need an inanimate object to beep or buzz on his wrist to motivate him to move, walk or exercise more. He doesn't need any fancy technology to give him feedback about his habits. His motivation to workout and eat healthily is intrinsic: it's just what he does. 

More likely than not, we've all been where my coworker's friends are. We've all operated under the pretense that the solution to our health problems is external to us. There is something alluring about the "hot new program" or solution or product: I call this the "Shiny Object Theory." Novelty is alluring and seductive. We're hard-wired to seek it out,  which is why infomercial health products and programs sell so well: they're marketing to us a dream, a vision of a different reality in which we are happier, thinner, healthier, and better-looking. All we have to do is buy the product.

No caption needed :-)

I know I don't have to, but I'm going to tell you right now that there is no product out there that is a proxy for the mental and physical work it takes to achieve sustainable weight loss and better health. There are products out there that will enhance your efforts and make the process more fun, but when all is said and done, they are distractions. They will not help you overcome emotional eating; they won't help you learn how to assess your hunger, energy and cravings so that you're less likely to binge at night; and they won't hold you accountable to your goals: that has to come from within. 

It's hard to have the courage to try another way to her healthy that is devoid of "shiny objects": I certainly know this from experience, and have an expensive heart rate monitor that's collecting dust on my shelf to prove it! My costly gadget kept me entertained for a few months, but the work I've done internally has done more to sustain my results than any device or program or 30-Day Challenge. 

So sleek, so shiny, so...wait, why did I buy this?

In my opinion, your hard-earned money that could be spent on the newest "shiny object" is better saved, and your energy allocated to figuring out the deeper whys: Why do you want to be healthier? Why have you struggled so much up to this point? Why is it so hard for you to stay motivated? Give yourself permission to save a few dollars on that new gadget and invest it in yourself: buy a journal and start writing down three things each day for which you are grateful. Not only will this give you a more positive outlook, but gratitude has been linked to a better immune system and improved heart rate variability which may reduce the risks of sudden death in those with chronic heart disease, and may be beneficial in the treatment of hypertension [Scientific proof that gratitude is healthy!]. A journal is also a great way to start playing detective: you can keep track of your hunger, energy levels and cravings and the situations that trigger you to eat or drink certain things. This biofeedback is essential if you want to break the cycle of binge-or-emotional eating, improve portion control, and get the most out of your workouts. Journaling about what makes you unique and what you love about yourself is also a great tool to shift your mindset from a place of unworthiness to a place of fundamental worthiness. It will help you to acknowledge all the wonderful things about you that deserve recognition beyond your weight. And that, my friends, is going to assure you greater long-term success with your health goals than any "shiny object," I promise!

DANGER: EXPECTATIONS

I used to think that hating my body and guilting it into exercise was the shortest path to getting it to look the way that I wanted and feel more confident in my skin as a result. Grueling workouts and extreme dieting was par for the course. Now, thanks to regular introspection, a curated self-care practice and mindfulness exercises, I no longer believe that my self worth depends on what or how much I eat on any given day, nor do I believe that my value as a person is determined by my physique. I've had much more success at building a body that is strong, capable, healthy, and looks good in and out of clothes since I adopted a more moderate and loving approach to exercise and nutrition. #Noextremesplease! Kthxbye!!!

That being said, my biggest struggle as I enter my thirties remains the intersection of my self-worth, abundance v. scarcity mindset, and how those two things affect how I feel and think about food. I realize that I've come a very long way in my battle with emotional eating but I've not conquered it entirely. What I have done is become more adept at recognizing my triggers, and identifying these is necessary in order to subdue them...

It just takes diligent and deliberate practice. 

With such practice, I've identified what environmental factors trigger me and initiate the habit loop. One is trying to control situations and the people in them, an impossible for task for anyone. These situations often cause an anxious feeling that more often than not compels me to eat. A perfect example is my recent 30th-birthday bash to which I'd invited four of my close girlfriends. I didn't realize it at the time, but bringing four women together, most of whom don't hang out on a regular basis, put my anxiety into overdrive. 

For days leading up to the celebration, I recall my levels of anxiety slowly building up. I was nervous about the fact that not all the people I invited knew one another very well and how that would manifest itself. I spent a lot of time thinking about whether everyone would vibe, or if there would be any personality conflicts. I put the pressure on myself to be the "massager of egos" should things go awry, completely ignoring the fact that these four ladies are mature adults who think, speak and act for themselves. 

Part of my effort to control the weekend was characterized by the idea that we all had to "get our money's worth." For me, "getting my money's worth" refers not solely to the experience, but the food and drink as well: I get overwhelmed to the point of anxiety trying to reconcile the idea that I "have-to-eat-and-drink-it-all-now-or-it-will-be-too-late," with my deeper belief in #moderation365. In my (irrational) mind, the impermanence of the experience, that everything will go back to normal and I will be left feeling bereft, reinforces this belief that I better "strike while the iron is hot" or lose out. 

In the moment, I cannot think clearly about the fact that this is scarcity mindset overtaking my rational mind. Once the feeling takes hold, it's very hard to talk myself out of it. But once it has a grip on me, I've given over control of my choices and that leaves me feeling helpless. What's ironic about these games that my mind plays with me is that when scarcity mindset wins over, I never get to experience whether or not my fears would in fact play out: I don't experience the lesson that might come proving my fears wrong. I've always just preempted these feelings by making sure that I eat and drink to my heart's content, and I end up feeling crappy 100% of the time. How crazy is that?!?

You Are a Burden to Me, and I am a Burden to You: Helping Yourself by Letting Others Help You

From 2011 through 2012, I lived with a woman who could have competed in the "World's Worst Roommate" contest and emerged victorious. Living with her was hellish, but not because she was particularly messy or stole my food; rather because she was extremely self-centered, self-absorbed and inconsiderate. She was dismissive of my feelings which ironically only made me more desirous of her praise and approval. She was a textbook narcissist and I was caught in her web. Looking back, I let her actions and moods affect me far more than was healthy because I was very insecure and overly concerned with wanting everyone to like me, regardless of the compromises of my values I was forced to make as a result. It was a very, very unpleasant time in my life.

At the same time that I was navigating this miserable living situation, I was in graduate school pursuing a degree I didn't want and had no passion for. The stress of school and trying to "keep up with the joneses" so to speak was exhausting and contributed to my unhappiness. I felt like a spectator in my own life, and hated how it was playing out. However, I felt like I had no power to change it.

At the time, my stress outlet-of-choice was to go out for a long run, which in retrospect did little or nothing to curtail my stress and unease. In fact, it added to it by raising my cortisol levels, increasing my hunger and cravings, and wreaking havoc on my energy levels. Periodic binges provided (very) temporary emotional relief, but the waves of guilt that reverberated afterwards left me feeling like I had no worth at all. It didn't motivate me to take any action, and the cycle persisted.

Everything came to a head near the end of 2012. I was at my wit's end. I could not take my roommate any longer, I was burned out from school, and my weight continued to fluctuate. The cardio--binge--deprive cycle destroyed my metabolism and I was a newly medication-dependent hypertensive. Things from my point of view were pretty bleak. Looking back, I was in full-blown crisis-mode despite my best efforts to keep it together on the surface.

In Chinese, two characters are used to translate the English word "crisis": one character means "danger" and the other means "opportunity." To me, this means that however bad things get--and they can get pretty bad!--there is always an opportunity to shift your perspective in order to grow. It's hard to see the silver lining when you're at rock-bottom: trust me, I get that. But the Chinese translation begs the question: when things are as bad as they can possibly get, isn't there something liberating about the realization that there's no where to move but forward, towards something brighter? Isn't there always at least one tiny little kernel of goodness in every trial?

For me, that goodness manifested itself in many ways--I just had to be receptive and wise enough to embrace them. For instance, a friend stepped up to help me get out of my negative living environment. He helped me find a new apartment and move. My parents and my brother--after I had a mini-breakdown!--reassured me that it was OK to drop out of graduate school if I was unhappy and doing so made no impact on my value as a human being. Even without an advanced degree, I am worthy of love! They made me see that the alternative was worse than any remorse I could feel about quitting school. This helped me to adjust my thoughts about failure--was it not brave to admit defeat in this instance? How is that not success? Speaking up and out about my struggle helped me create space for a different reality, one in which I was not a failure for quitting but a success for having the courage to recognize other possibilities. I could come out of this bleak situation with some dignity, grace, and perspective. I realized that there is always an alternative and there's never only one single way to do things. I embraced the opportunity that was there for the taking, despite the danger.

Brene Brown talks a lot about how the more willing uou are to talk about your struggles with others and show transparency despite your shame, the better you'll become at perceiving a better reality. This shift in perception is the first step towards creating a life that you love. It requires you to humble yourself and be vulnerable. Sharing your struggles with others is transformative, as I ultimately learned after trying to do it on my own for so long. If I've learned anything--and if I have anything to share with you--it's that you can't do it alone. You may think you're doing people a favor by keeping your struggles to yourself, but the tribe is that you're not only doing yourself a disservice but your community, too. We are social creatures who crave connection with on another. By keeping everything bottled up inside, you're limiting others' opportunities to connect which may be exactly what they need. You need it, they need it: why begrudge anyone the chance to meet each other halfway?!? You never know how much that lifeline may help someone else. You have a right and an obligation to extend that life raft--the water is never too deep.

Challenging the Norm: Dare to Embrace Asymmetry

You've probably heard about the numerous studies conducted over the years that show that people prefer symmetrical facial features in the opposite sex: the more symmetrical, the more beautiful, or at least that's what research tells us. The theory postulates that facial symmetry denotes health, and we evolved to prefer the healthiest-looking mate because it increased our chances of survival. Until recently, the prevailing theory held that a symmetrical face implies a healthier childhood free of disease that causes disfigurement and could be passed on to offspring. Recently, the theory was put to the test and the results were clear: there is no discernible correlation between adolescent health and facial symmetry [cite].

Personally, I prefer the original :-) Source

This is good news for those of us who suffered through childhood bouts of chicken pox and measles: our medical history isn't written all over our faces for prospective partners to see. However, this study was unable to provide any conclusive evidence in support of an alternative theory for our symmetrical preference. It merely suggests that the preference may be due to a general aversion to more overt facial asymmetry, like that which is the result of some major injuries, untreated infections, and rare genetic disorders. Another possibility for such a preference is simply a manifestation of "our aesthetic appreciation of symmetry in art and nature." [cite]

But which one has more character? 

It is a fact that humans prefer symmetry. Whether or not there is an evolutionary explanation for this preference is moot because we are conditioned from a young age to value it. From the games we play as children to what and how we learn in school, to how we dress and how we exercise; it all reinforces society's value of symmetry in all aspects of life. In my opinion, our preference for symmetry is a metaphor for a larger societal problem: the notion that there is a concrete order to all things and anything that deviates from that order is bad and to be avoided.

"Most of the Things You Worry About Never Happen": The 2 Best Strategies I Know of for Managing Anxious Thoughts

This past Sunday afternoon, I had lunch with my best friend. There are few things in life more pleasurable and soul-fulfilling than spending an afternoon with a person that you love, with whom you share a long and beautiful history. We talked about our love lives, our heartaches, our dreams, our hopes for the future, and our families. We drank some wine and had many laughs. In fact, we had a little too much wine which necessitated a quick trip around the corner for a strong coffee :-)

My bestie and me on my bday last year

That fact that I enjoyed luxuriating over lunch with my bestie isn't remarkable; any opportunity to spend time with her is a treat. However, this was the first time that I'd ever--in over two years!--had her over for lunch at my apartment! We usually meet up at a restaurant, or I go to her place. While there's nothing wrong with that, after having such a good time hosting her, I started thinking about WHY it is that I never entertain friends at my apartment. Am I ashamed of my space, of how I keep my home? Am I afraid it's not big or nice enough? Am I afraid that because my place is "way up in the Bronx," my friends won't want to venture up here to visit me? Is it a combination of all of those? 

Truth be told, I debated long and hard about whether or not to invite my best friend over, as crazy as that sounds. I could not shake the feeling that my place isn't good enough; that I'm not good enough. I debated the merits of my apartment based on totally irrelevant factors like distance: my friend lives a short subway ride away, and I've made the trek to her place countless times! I kept turning over all the reasons why coming to my apartment would be an inconvenience for her, remaining consciously ignorant of the hypocrisy.

You're Not Strong For a Woman...You're Just Plain Strong

Physical strength and feats of athleticism have long been measures of a group's position in the social hierarchy. To conquer the weak one must be mighty, and to be mighty is to be strong. From the ancient Roman and Greek games to the Olympic games, major sports, etc., societies have defined themselves by the strength of their inhabitants who, by being strong, foster pride. Strength as a metaphor establishes and reinforces cultural identity and justifies the subjugation of those who are not as strong, through war or other versions of cultural slavery.

We've come a long way, baby! (At least in terms of
clothing and footwear!)

To an extent, these ideas about strength persist to this day. Athletes are idols to millions, and are often lauded to a point of being above the law; people spend billions to attend and watching sporting events year-round; modern-day Olympic medalists are heroes who bring glory to their countries like warriors of the ancient world. In this world, winning is everything and to win, you not only have the be the best but the strongest.

This way of thinking is short-sighted at best, and dangerous at worst. It becomes dangerous when it's used to justify foreign wars, conflicts, and acts of terrorism. It's short-sighted because it does not take into consideration that there are several different types of strength, an act that reinforces gender stereotypes and establishes very narrow parameters within which to be a woman in modern society.

When strong=best, it follows that stronger=better. Historically, men have placed themselves in a position of power over women because they believed they were stronger than women physically as well as emotionally. From ancient civilizations through the present day, men have justified the subjugation of women because of their perceived weakness. This mentality established a division of the sexes along several lines, many of which are deeply entrenched and pervasiveness that they are commonly accepted as fact.

One of these lines that divides the sexes is in terms of physical strength and the perception of such. Society dictates how women "should" look in order to fit a certain prescribed version of femininity: women shouldn't be too strong, nor should they appear so physically. Women who don't fit this narrow definition are often ridiculed, gawked at, questioned, gossiped about, written about, analyzed, threatened, or worse. Far too often, women in modern society are judged because of how they choose to look, act, and train.

Amen!

It's a sorry state of affairs, but things are changing. These days, more than any other time in history, women are being recognized: not for being strong for a woman, but for being strong, period.  Many women are doing their part--as are sports like CrossFit, powerlifting, and Olympic lifting--to change the narrow definition of what strong looks like:

• Marisa Inda is an accomplished body builder, figure competitor, powerlifter, and overall badass. Her complex and gravity-defying feats of upper-body strength on the pull-up bar caught the attention of the producers of the show Ellen, who had her on as a guest in the fall of 2014. Her body is not considered very feminine by the traditional standards, nor does she train in a manner oft-prescribed for women. She eschews these conventional standards of femininity and shows that there are a whole lot of ways for women to look that are beautiful, sexy and worthy of praise. She is a woman who doesn't apologize for her physique, nor should she: she is a absolute beauty, inside and out.

Love her! What an inspiration!

• American Ninja Warrior finalist Kacy Catanzaro, the gymnast and first female to qualify for the finals of the show back in 2014. Kacy came, saw and conquered the course that had formerly humbled many a male contestant. At under 5-feet tall and approximately 100 lbs, Kacy redefines what "strong" looks like. Although she didn't win the ultimate prize, her appearance on a nationally-televised show forced America to challenge conventional notions of female strength and power.

A whole lotta brawl in a cute, petite package!

• Women like Jen Sinker of Thrive with Jen Sinker, Jill Coleman of JillFit Physiques, and Neghar Fonooni of Eat, Lift & Be Happy have made it their mission to educate and encourage women so that they can shine bright and be the best versions of themselves. Mindset, movement, and nutrition all play an important role in these women's lifestyle philosophies, all they're all doing their part to help women design the life they love to live and own their strength, inside and out. 

Love these ladies!

• Communities like Girls Gone Strong and Fonooni's Lean & Lovely Community strive to provide a forum and space on the web where like-minded women can unite under their belief in female empowerment and strength. These communities provide well-curated content on topics ranging from strength training to proper nutrition to mindset and finding balance. These communities make it possible for women to feel supported and encouraged in an environment whose sole purpose is to encourage strong women to forge their own paths to health and wellness.

• In the past couple of years, the number of women who participate and compete in powerlifting and Olympic lifting has grown substantially, thanks in large part to CrossFit. The popularity of CrossFit, the uber-trendy exercise philosophy and competitive fitness sport, attracts women and men alike because it provides a like-minded community of individuals who train together, support each other, and encourage strength gains and feats of athleticism regardless of gender. Apart from CrossFit, more women than ever are using their bodies to make a statement about what is beauty and strength by entering physique, figure, and bodybuilding contests.

In short, these are exciting times to be a woman in strength sports! While there may be a long way to go in terms of shifting the image of femininity in the fitness community, it is a challenge that I--one among many!--take on with pride, determination, and a whole lotta grit!